“Come on, just one more time. Please, please, please. Will you just…? I said three times. You only did one. Come on.”
If you've ever raised a kid, supervised a team, or coached a colleague, you've heard yourself say some version of this. Probably this week. Possibly this morning.
I cringe every time I catch myself doing it. Because nagging isn't influencing. Nagging is just slowly helping someone wither and die under the weight of your repetition.
And we don't only do this with kids. We do it with employees who keep missing deadlines, with clients who haven't signed yet, with participants who won't engage in our training. We just dress it up in business language and call it follow-up.
Real influence is a different beast. It doesn't beg. It doesn't repeat. It doesn't wear people down. It moves people because they choose to move. Here are four skills that really do that.
Before you say anything, you have to read the room. That's emotional intelligence—the muscle of noticing what's really happening with the person in front of you, not what you wish were happening.
It's not magic and it's not a personality trait. It's a learnable skill. Read books like Built to Last or First, Break All the Rules. Then practice—and practice somewhere safe.
I started with my own family. I'd notice how my kids communicated, mirror their energy, match their pace. Then my aunts, my uncles, my cousins. Family is the safest lab in the world for this—they'll forgive you when you miss, and they'll love you back when you don't.
Here's the test. A few weeks ago, I had a political conversation—full disclosure, it was an election year—with someone whose opinions are just about the polar opposite of mine. His wife was sitting there bracing for impact. And we had a real conversation. No anger, no resentment, no tension you could cut with a knife. The reason? I wasn't trying to win. I was trying to understand. The minute the other person feels that shift in you, the temperature drops 20 degrees.
That's emotional intelligence in real life. Not a TED talk—just choosing not to be the angry one in the room.
When I'm teaching, I use a model I love called SLANT. It's what active listening looks like from the outside.
S—Sit up.
L—Lean forward.
A—Ask questions.
N—Nod.
T—Thank them for sharing.
Five physical and verbal moves. None of them require you to be a charismatic genius. They just communicate, in a language the brain reads instantly: I am here. I am with you. Keep going.
Pair it with what Dale Carnegie called the 80-20 rule—listen 80% of the time, talk 20%—and you'll be one of the most persuasive people in almost any room you walk into. Why? Because great listeners are rare. People remember the ones who make them feel heard, and they say yes to those people more often. Not because of pressure, but because of trust.
If I catch myself talking past 20%, I scale back. Sit up. Lean forward. Ask the next question. Let them keep going.
Here's the rule I live by: build rapport before you make the ask.
This is true everywhere. It's true in a sales conversation, where you have to qualify, overcome objections, and earn the commitment. It's true in a classroom, where I can't ask participants to apply something uncomfortable until they trust me enough to try. It's true in a board meeting, in a one-on-one, in a hallway conversation. The order doesn't change.
When I show respect to someone—by listening, by mirroring, by genuinely trying to understand them—they tend to show respect back. That's the right to ask. By the time I get to the request, they've already decided I'm worth listening to. The yes was earned three steps before the ask.
Skip the rapport, and you're back to nagging. You can repeat your point five times—they're still not going to move.
I get this question a lot, especially from new trainers and consultants. Sometimes it feels like these techniques are tricks—like I just figured out how to manipulate people into doing what I want.
That's not what this is. Manipulation moves someone toward something that's bad for them. Influence moves someone toward something that's good for them—a better decision, a better outcome, a better next step. The difference isn't the skill set. It's the intention.
I think of it as blessing people. If I help someone make a clearer decision, hear a perspective they hadn't considered, or take an action they really wanted to take but couldn't quite get to alone—that's a gift. That's not trickery. That's the whole point of the work we do at The Bob Pike Group, whether we're in a classroom, a boardroom, or somewhere in between.
If you want to start practicing this week, here's where to begin:
A bonus question to sit with: who is the best listener in your life? Spend a little extra time with them. Watch what they do. Then mirror it.
Listening is one of the most underrated trainer skills out there. If you do a lot of classroom training and want to lead richer discussions, ask sharper debrief questions, and walk participants into deeper levels of thinking, our Train-the-Trainer Boot Camp II is built for exactly that—it expands your ability to lead dynamic discussions and debriefs while developing the insightful questioning techniques that help you debrief activities and gauge real audience understanding.
If your listening challenge is more in the business environment—discovery calls, executive conversations, helping leaders solve complex problems—our Step Into Consulting workshop helps you bridge the gap between your current role and the consulting role you'd like to move into, equipping you with the consulting skills, executive credibility, and frameworks that position you as a key player in organizational success.
Both are grounded in the same Creative Training Techniques® and Train-the-Trainer principles that more than 100,000 trainers have learned through The Bob Pike Group.
And in the meantime—please, please, please—stop nagging. There's a better way.
The Bob Pike Group has been equipping trainers with practical, proven tools since 1979. Whether you’re looking to improve your delivery, rethink your instructional approach, or bring our methodology to your entire team, we’re here to help. Reach out to training@bobpikegroup.com or 952-829-1954.